Stretching Heart

My heart is stretching. It's odd. At first I thought I was just having an emotional moment, or even a few of them. Makes perfect sense; on the road, away from friends and family. Yet it keeps happening. It happened again the other day and I finally asked Julie why I cry at unexpected times. "Your heart is stretching," she said. I thought about that. I have a big heart, I thought. I love easily, feel empathy for people. When I hear their stories, tears often come to my eyes. But this was different. It started when I said good-bye to His Holiness Sakya Trizim. When he looked at me and it felt as if he was looking straight into my heart; I wanted to sob. Well, I thought, he is an exceptional human being and maybe it was him, in his enlightened state that had this effect. But then, the other day, when we were participating in the tsok ceremony (a ceremony of thanksgiving and gift giving) at the monastery here, I took my envelope with money and kata (silk scarf) up to the empty chair with the Dalai Lama's picture on it. I looked at the picture and it felt as if the Dalai Lama was looking back at me and again, I wanted to sob. Tears ran down my cheeks. It was as if I had looked into the eyes of compassion and felt seen and loved. From a picture. I put down the envelope, stretched the kata across the front of the altar, composed myself and walked on. But then, a little bit later, Julie said some word of kindness and again, the tears came.

I have given the heart a lot of thought. It seems that there is a spectrum of love, caring, fear and anger that it can run through. There is a range of comfort that I maintain and when I get to the outer reaches in any one direction, tears or anger or fear will well up. Maybe the heart does and can stretch. Maybe there is a habituating to loving freely without fear that can be expanded. Julie describes love as shared mutual presence and well wishing. Not having another person do what you want them to do. It's an interesting idea, that love could be so simple. Just that, shared mutual presence and well wishing. I am going to practise that. And see. Who knows. Maybe my heart can keep stretching even when I'm not looking into the eyes of a realized human being. Maybe I can grow from the inside out as well as the outside in.