I ran into the "I don't want to" girl yesterday. She refused to do what "big girl, responsible girl" said she would do. Bad girl said "I want to go shopping with my new friend and I don't want to listen to Julie recap the group and then transcribe this summary for those not here." And she ran out the door. Later, when others expressed disapproval, I couldn't really believe it myself. How had I been so irresponsible? I flashed on when I was four and refused to go indoors after a particularly delicious recess. How did four become so vocal?
As I sink deeper into this retreat, this whole trip, actually, there has been an alarming phenomenon. I continually run into myself. The trouble with traveling alone is that there is no one else to blame anything on. If I am crabby, irritable, self-absorbed, it is because I am crabby, irritable and self-absorbed. I am left with pulling apart the origins of said moods. My stories, my self talk, my judgements, my critic; they all bubble up in full view. And I am such a nice person, too. I have spent a life time of figuring out how to get along, be included and please others so that I can play too. What are all these selfish, bad ass folk doing in my psyche? I wish I could say I am truly shocked to meet them. Actually, we have had a long aquaintence, thanks to years of therapy, writing, talking with a loving sister and patient friends. Yet my first impulse continues to be RUN.
I am trying a new strategy; I am listening to them and trying out new stories in response to their insistent behavior. Maybe, if I can learn to incorporate their needs into my life instead of focusing so much on others. . . Well, you can see the challenge. So we lurch along, bad girl and me, like a new driver trying to figure out the clutch. Sometimes she drives, sometimes responsible girl drives. Sometimes it feels like no one is driving. But, as I am back in Nepal, we all honk the horn.
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Jim doesn't remember you at 4 because he was too busy working on the farm by then, but he does rememebr when you were born: Dad gassing up the car and then bringing you home. He says you wouldn't eat so it was a constant battle at dinner until you were 10 o r 12. So he says there was something to that "I don't want to." Mom relished the battle---the gospel according to Jim---because she always won.
ReplyDeleteFunny how we always take ourselves with us wherever we go, tho shedding some along the way. Gloria